Yesterday, I had a friend reach out on social media in my DM’s and ask, “Are you transgender???”.
The question hung in the air, as a million feelings and thoughts rushed at me. Fear. Anxiety. Would this change things? How did she not know already? We’ve known each other for almost a year now. She must have seen a post of me talking about trans experience.
I played it off all cool. “Yep, love. I am. hehe. ❤”, I responded. We had a short exchange, and I felt things shift. Whereas before she was fully open and loving, now there was this subtle divide. Was that all in my head? Maybe. I’m not sure. It felt like a loss of sisterhood, though, and I I died inside a bit.
When I go out in the world, everyone treats me normal. I just weave myself into the fabric of society, and fit in. It feels amazing.
And then I go on the internet…
I talk about being trans online, and honestly one of the only reasons I do it is because I don’t want to pull the ladder out from under me. I want others to feel supported in the trans community, because I know what lacking support feels like. However, I’m so done with feeling like a witch on a burning stake. I’m so done with defending my basic dignity. I’m so done with the hatred thrown at me just for who I am.
I’m going stealth. I’m not going to tell anyone new that I meet that I’m trans. I’m going to just live my life. Is it possible? I honestly don’t know.
I haven’t been misgendered in public in 3 years. I know I could work more on my voice, but I get gendered correctly on the phone, so I know I’m pretty close with it. Will I get clocked? Probably. Especially when people talk to me for an extended length of time. That said, I’m done being upfront about my transness. I’m just so done!!
Why can’t we live in a world where trans people are treated like anyone else? This space I occupy right now makes it so abundantly clear how far we are from that world. One second a guy opens a door for me. Another second a guy sends me a DM telling me I should be sent to a firing squad. That contrast is like ripping my heart out daily, and I hate it. That’s why I’m doing this. I’m sorry.
