“What about the children?”
That’s one of the subjects of the trans debate in culture right now. It seems like it’s a sticking point for many people. I have first hand experience with it, that I’d like to share.
When I was 5 years old I knew I was a girl. That was also the age when I expressed it, and was told no. I learned to repress who I was. I learned that holding it in, pushing down into my belly and resisting it was the accepted way. So, I did that. The pain grew in my stomach.
Then when I was in puberty, it became much more intense and harder to push down. I developed cluster headaches from the constant effort of trying to force myself to not think of it. The pain grew even more intense.
During my 20s, I called it my gender problem, because I didn’t know what being transgender was. I just thought I was broken and wrong. I blamed myself. The pain grew even more.
By the time I was in my 30s my entire sense of self had become repression. I was a shell of a human being. I didn’t care if I lived or died. The pain grew even more.
Then when I was half way through my 30s, when I felt like I had tried every possible way to keep the pain inside, and when I felt like giving up on life, I finally realized something. I realized that in repressing who I was for others, they literally didn’t love me any more for it. It had all been a waste. So, I stopped repressing. I decided to transition.
Within 2 weeks it felt like I woke up from a dream. The cluster headaches stopped, and never returned. The pain in my belly stopped. I stopped dissociating, and felt like I was in my body for once. I felt alive.
Suddenly, happiness flooded in. And sadness too, for the missed years. I felt like I was barely alive for half my life, a shell of a human. But, at least I had the rest of my life to live as me. I had gratitude for that. So, I began my life, almost like I was starting over.
Since transitioning years ago, my life has only gotten better. I love life. I love being me. I love others. I love my place in the world.
So, when you ask me about trans youth, I have first hand experience. I was a trans youth, and I know very well what it’s like to deny someone the chance to be who they know they are. It nearly destroyed me as a person. Only when I transitioned, did I feel alive.
If you were my parent, back when I was 5, what would you have done? If I came to you, like I did to my mom, and said “I’m a girl inside”. Would you teach me to repress myself? Would you tell me no? Would you force me into a lifetime of repression? Or would you choose a different path?
